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When your inner child is a dragon

By Rene

Where do I even begin and how do I say it in a way so as not to sound as if I've finally and irrevocably lost it? I am a dragon. Or I once was, and a part of me still is in the mental/spiritual sense. I would not go so far as to say that I am a dragon trapped in a human body (yet) although I believe such things to be true. I'm not sure what I am. But I'm not entirely human any more than I'm entirely goldfinch or dinosaur. I am, and it's important for me acknowledge that part of what makes me tick is draconic. I do not frankly care what anyone else thinks, and the fact that this is a public journal has so little to do with this that it's not funny.

I don't plan on telling anyone, simply because I don't think it would be beneficial to my purposes. Being who I am perhaps gives me insight that others might not have, but I'm well aware that declaring myself to be part dragon simply wouldn't help matters in most cases. I don't think that for me to offer advice and to make a difference in life most people will need to know. I've already told the one person I think needs to know, my Mom, and I have zero plans of telling anyone else unless the issue comes up. And I would be stunned if it did.

I told her over AIM because I didn't trust myself not to botch it orally. To quote Mom, "What is a mother to say to her daughter who tells her that she is (was) a dragon? Do I validate that and go with it or do I think -she has real psychological problems. Is it really so incredible or is it entirely possible? If we have had many lives before - is it so strange that they may have been in animal form? Many religions feel that their spirits do come back as animals." Telling her how I feel about this facet of myself was quite literally one of the scariest things I've ever had to do. It goes beyond the fact that despite our similarities we come from two different worlds. I've given her power of attorney over me and if she thought I was a danger to myself, I have no doubt whatsoever that she would have me forcibly hospitalized. And yet, I had to tell her. For some reason, she had to know. She is the person I am closest to and this issue has become so overwhelming in my life that to say nothing would be to lie. And I don't lie if I can help it. It was a conversation I'd played over in my head since I'd first started seriously wondering six years ago and one of the worst case scenarios was that she would think I'd gone utterly wacky. But I had to take that chance.

And I'm still here. I talk to her tomorrow afternoon but I think she's shaken enough over the issue that she probably won't bring it up, which is fine by me. When I look deep down I'm firm in my beliefs, but how do you really convince someone that you aren't insane and have suffered a break from reality? I researched it thoroughly, and what I feel would be best described as a delusion. The National Institute of Mental Health has the following to say on delusions:

"Delusions are false personal beliefs that are not subject to reason or contradictory evidence and are not explained by a person's usual cultural concepts. Delusions may take on different themes. For example, patients suffering from paranoid-type symptoms - roughly one-third of people with schizophrenia - often have delusions of persecution, or false and irrational beliefs that they are being cheated, harassed, poisoned, or conspired against. These patients may believe that they, or a member of the family or someone close to them, are the focus of this persecution. In addition, delusions of grandeur, in which a person may believe he or she is a famous or important figure, may occur in schizophrenia. Sometimes the delusions experienced by people with schizophrenia are quite bizarre; for instance, believing that a neighbor is controlling their behavior with magnetic waves; that people on television are directing special messages to them; or that their thoughts are being broadcast aloud to others."

It comes pretty close on some key points, but I don't think I'm delusional. I can't be 100% certain, but I don't think I am. Why?

1. My delusion is not negative. It does not scare me, it does not give me a reason to fear things. It does not induce me to harm myself. Rather, it is a source of personal strength and something I'm pleased about most of the time. I like who I am, even the strange bits.

2. I accept that I may be wrong. This does not make sense, it is not logical although I do have evidence. Delusional people are not able to understand that they are wrong, they aren't aware what they believe is unusual. My beliefs are so unusual it's taken a long time to accept and I think I will always have some doubts about being/having been a dragon.

3. Is religion a delusional belief? It could be, by the definition presented. The evidence presented for the correctness of one religion or another is no stronger than my own, yet many people completely believe in their religion.

4. Although my belief is VERY strange, I am not inclined to act on it. I don't think I can fly, or breath fire. A delusional person would, and would not believe that he/she couldn't. I may occasionally experience the impulse to glide down a hill rather than walk, but I know full well it wouldn't get me anything but a face full of pavement.

5. What is to say that this is not a 'cultural concept'? Is it any different than believing, as some religions do, in reincarnation in animal forms? They really believe. So do I.

6. This has not been easy for me to accept. Life would be much simpler if I could just say I was completely human and be done with it. But I can't. I've tried. Missing a perfect body I will never have in this lifetime is not something that brightens my day, even though I'm quite attached to how I look now. I just can't ignore the other side of the coin anymore than someone can deny their sexuality or religious beliefs.

Other possible routes to explain my draconity as insanity would be to claim zooanthropy. Someone suffering from clinical zooanthropy believes themself to actually be an animal. I may have once been a dragon, my soul might be, but I wouldn't dare claim for a moment that I am one physically nor do I try to act like one. Any mirror will tell you that right now, I'm as human as the next guy (unless the next guy's a wolf). Escapism looks appealing too, where someone denies reality because they are unable to cope with the real world. Along with a delusional disorder, this one was tough for me to prove except by saying that having been a dragon does not allow me to escape from anything. I'm still here now, I still have my life to live. I am not the only draconic one on the internet and although a good deal of dragons hate and cannot understand people, I don't. I like people. I like being human, and though I won't be one to argue that humans are perfect and the top of the evolutionary ladder, I don't dislike them so much that I'm trying to escape from the fact that I am one. Because I am, right now. And I don't mind, though I'd rather be a dragon. But claiming to be at least partially draconic when it comes to my soul presents a small burden, not an offer of refuge. There is no mental place to escape to, no refuge from the world. This is something that I know I can't tell most people and it's not something I can ignore. It's just me.

When you come right down to it, I suppose I just have faith that I am/was a dragon. I know, the same way I know there is a god of some sort and there is an afterlife and that the soul survives after the body. I just know. And though life would be easier if I could ignore it, I can't anymore. I didn't believe in reincarnation for a long time because I was Roman Catholic. But I do remember that I did as a child. At age two or so, I told my mother out of the blue, "I remember living in the clouds with Jesus." This from someone undoubtedly too young to understand such abstract concepts and with no exposure to formal religion. I remember around 8 or so being crushed to find out that my religion did not support reincarnation. Somehow, I'd just always known it was true. I'd always believed in it because it made sense to me. I didn't think God would really send people down here to muddle through 70 or so short years and based on that send them either to an eternity of bliss or horrible pain. It all seemed rather unfair, but I was taught that reincarnation was not something my religion supported so after a while I just pushed it to the back of my mind and forgot about it.

Odd then that the meaning of my name is "reborn". I don't feel at this point that I need to beat a coincidence to death.

And I do believe that dragons exist. I don't believe they are of this planet, and though I'm ambivalent about magic and psychic powers I'm not ready to denounce either of them. I don't believe in magic or psychics as seen on television, but the mind is largely unexplored and I don't wish to cut myself short. I do believe in ESP.

There is a scientific basis for the existence of parallel universes. It's largely theoretical, but the idea is that each even that occurs has one of more possible outcomes and we're only living in one line of them. Each event in time represents not a yes or no choice, but a series of branches. If other worlds exist, and many scientists think they do, then I could certainly see dragons being alive on a few of them. It seems strange that so many cultures would independently come up with dragons in their mythology for no good reason.

If nothing else, I don't think dragons could have evolved on this earth because they lack an obvious ancestor. The trait of having six legs is not one shared by any animal higher than an insect, and while that's an interesting discussion the dragon I've visualized myself as is definitely mammalian. But it doesn't rule out the possibility of dragons existing on other planets. A book I recently read, "Life in Darwin's Universe", explored the possibility of life on other planets and what it might look like. The authors came to a startling conclusion; life on other planets is probably strikingly similar to life on other planets. Animals here evolved fur and legs not by chance but because it was the best and simplest way of accomplishing things. To rule out the possibility of a six limbed draconic alien would be a bit prejudiced, and to think that among billions and billions of planets we are the only one to have life is downright egocentric and just a bit silly.

And even if dragons have never existed physically, I do think it's possible that the form I personally prefer while not in a body could be that of a dragon. Why? Well, why not? It has to be assumed that since souls are not corporeal by nature, you can choose to look like whatever you want in heaven/the afterlife/the other side. I can offer no hard proof, only my beliefs.

I still don't know why I'm the way I am. Why as a child I was well aware that humans couldn't fly but assumed without question that I was different somehow and devoted hours to focusing my thoughts, wishing, and jumping off the couch. I don't know why I have preferences I can't explain, why I'm territorial over silly and petty things when other gross insults don't bother me. I don't know why I often try to scratch my shoulder blades with horns I don't have or feel a deep longing for a body I never will have. I have no logical explanation why I feel the undeniable desire to be a dragon, or why I should have latched on to the image of a creature generally perceived as evil when the idea of using strength or magic to my advantage holds no thrill. I don't know why I'm able so easily to see a sort of image superimposed over myself of this dragon, as if I'm looking through a dirty pane of glass and getting a ghost of a distorted reflection.

I do know I'm not insane. And I do know that the only answer that makes sense is that I have been/am a dragon.

I still find it hard to accept and I may always. I like being who I am and I don't think God makes mistakes. I'm here now and I'm here for a reason, I'm human for a reason and I don't see why being dragonish should affect that in any way. But it is a part of me and has been for a while, even when I didn't want to believe.

Four night ago I read the book "Dragonsbane". It's not a cult classic, or intriguing, or even especially good. But it does feature a dragon. It features a dragon so alien in matters of thought that it caught me by surprise and I had, physically and mentally, something of a flashback. I felt emotions and thoughts that weren't quite right, and I felt talons.

My talons.

I don't have talons but I felt them.

It's been a stressful few weeks and perhaps that's what triggered it. Did I have a nervous breakdown? I don't think I did. I've had them before and although this was extremely odd, it wasn't unpleasant though I did have a migraine the day after. It could have been a hallucination. But deep down, I don't really believe it was.

I am dragon. I am not alone. I am not afraid. I am strong.

I am. And I'm not ashamed.